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Leslie Petruk is the founder of Stepping Stones, a North Carolina-based counseling service focused on getting clients to be honest first with themselves. She explains how taking care of yourself helps bring clients one step closer to love.

Thanks for joining us, Leslie! You’re one of the top counseling services in North Carolina. Tell us a little bit about your past and why you established your firm, Stepping Stones?

I moved to Charlotte in 2001, leaving a full individual practice in Austin, TX.  I always had the vision of one day building a counseling center that provided a “one stop shop” for families to get services and things just fell into place when I moved to Charlotte to start such a practice.  I was pregnant with my 2nd child when we moved here.  We found out when he was about 9 month old that he had a genetic disorder and had special needs.  I met a social worker who also had a child with special needs and we decided to start a support group for parents of children with special needs.  Before we knew it, we were opening a counseling center.  She left the practice a few years later and I continued on and grew the business.  I have had my center for 10 years now.  I am currently in the process of making some shifts in my practice and business and reducing the number of counselors but increasing the services offered to include Leadership and Business Coaching as well as Parenting Workshops, Seminars, and Coaching.  We will continue to provide counseling services as well.

Relationships are at the center of what you do at Stepping Stones. They can be so similar and so different from person-to-person. What are some things you do to help build communication between people?

I believe in authenticity and creating an environment that allows people to speak for all of the parts of themselves.  I work from a model called Internal Family Systems and they have a saying, “all parts are welcome”, meaning it’s okay to speak for the parts of ourselves that have things to say that are not necessarily what someone might want to hear, but it’s important to speak “for” the part rather then “from” it, which allows space for others to hear what you are saying.  This allows for authentic communication and provides an environment for everyone to feel heard.

When it comes to falling in love everything can feel muddled. What are the biggest hurdles fro new loves to clear in order to find long term happiness?

That is a huge question!  First, I think it takes time for couples to get to know one another.  It takes about 18 months for the brain chemicals associated with infatuation to wear off.  That’s when you really begin to “see” all aspects of your partner.  How couples work through conflict is a huge predictor of a successful relationship, so that’s an important skill to master.  There is also a time in every relationship that one comes to realize that their partner can not fulfill emptiness or hurts from their past and each person has to take responsibility for caring for their own wounded parts.  By learning how to care for your “Self” individually and connect to the essence of who you are meant to be, you are then able to connect to your partner in a whole new way without being responsible for their wounds and past hurts.  When one is able to be in “Self Leadership”, you are able to live from a place of curiosity, compassion and clarity.  This allows you to extend those same qualities to your partner, which is much different then seeking their approval or needing them to fulfill your unmet needs in some way.

The online world can help and hurt in finding love. Dating sites have never been safer and more popular. How do you advise your clients to use them? Things to do? Avoid?

In all honesty, this has not been a topic of discussion with my clients, but what I would say is to be smart about it.  Don’t give out personal information until you have a good sense of the person, meet them in a public place the first number of meetings, maybe even go on a double date until you become better acquainted, and trust your instincts!

What is the most common complain you field from those coming out of a “bad” relationship? Is it lack of communication, lack of trust, etc?

Lack of communication is a big one.  We all bring baggage from our own family of origin.  If conflict resolution and communication was not something that was modeled in your family, then it is hard to bring the skill into your relationships.  Often times one partner is emotionally shut down and the other feels emotionally abandoned, which leads to a lack of communication and connection.  These are all common dynamics that I see when working with couples.  Often times, it’s not that couples don’t want to communicate or connect, they just don’t know how.

What are some tips you give those who fell like their love life is hitting an extended rough patch?

To look within and identify the parts of themselves that are trying to protect them from getting hurt and how they may inhibit their relationships.  For example, if getting close to someone starts to feel scary so they start to pick a fight, that’s a part of them that is working to protect them from being hurt.  By getting to know that part and what emotions and beliefs are that it holds, they can learn about the parts fears and help it find a new “job”.  When relationships don’t work out, it’s easy to point the finger and put the blame on the other person, but looking within and considering what parts of you might be contributing to the conflict or problem is more likely to result in a successful long term relationship.  Being able to identify the parts that get triggered within you that may hold certain wounds, emotions and beliefs from the past will be important to prevent those dynamics from replaying.

Anything specific?

Getting to know your own internal system, hurts and wounds from the past and understanding the stories that those parts hold so as to not repeat the very things those parts fear the most will ultimately result in the ability to care for your own parts and release your partner from that responsibility.

Any more pieces of advice for those in a relationship, either on the way up, or the way out? 

Being in a relationship with another, requires a solid relationship with “Self” first.  We all have the internal resources to take care of the parts inside of us.  Most people enter a relationship thinking and expecting their partner to love them the way they have always wanted to be loved and believe their partner can be this redeemer who will love them unconditionally.  This is an impossible setup and leads to great disappointment.  The key is learning to care for your own parts rather then placing the responsibility on your partner.  You can learn more about the model of Internal Family Systems.

Thanks for your time and best of luck with Stepping Stones!

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